My Year of Grief and Sex

We just passed the year "anniversary" (that doesn’t feel like the right word because it doesn’t feel like a celebration) of my father's death. 

That was easily the worst day of my life, up to now. In all true sappiness I feel like I only got through it by having my partner by my side. He held space for me as I wailed in the ICU, paced the waiting room, contemplated throwing a chair, made the decision (with my amazing siblings) to stop chest compressions, and held my dad's hand as he took his last breath. 

For a little while after I was just in existence mode. I was trying to shower, eat, go back to work and just exist. 

Somewhere along the way I remember feeling a spike in desire that wouldn't end. I know now I was craving a closeness, a sense of safety, and even a good ol’ escape. Putting my sexpert brain back on makes me realize this isn’t surprising. Often people are looking for things just like this when they desire partnered sex versus masturbation. I guess thank goodness for the rise of smut because that aided in my voracious consumption of sex at the time.

There were even times where I think that release and connection with him allowed me access to feelings that were walled off. The sensations happening in my body were unable to be ignored. In hindsight that was good but when youre relying on not feeling your body to feel safe it can be jarring. 

After a while, the trauma manifested as physical pain and, if you know me, unsurprisingly, digestive issues. Talk about a break hitter! And I imagine a bit of whiplash for my partner. Its hard to feel sexy when youre bloated and in pain from not having a bowel movement in almost two weeks. YIKES. That pain also contributed to a sense of unending rage. EVERYTHING, made me angry and that anger was a wedge in my partnership. Sometimes, I think my spouse probably felt like the only connection we had was sex because I was so disconnected, and that was dwindling.

One year passing doesnt mean I have this figured out. But, it certainly feels more stable now than at other times. 

If you're reading this at a time where your navigating the impact of grief on your partnership and sex life, im so sorry thats where life is at right now. And dont forgot there is no right way to grieve.